He has a job as a delivery guy. His fifth job in as many months. He hates work but he won’t let me go to work. They’ve supplied him with a rattletrap car but it works great and it keeps him happy for now. As he tells me his delivery itinerary, up to Mennonite country, I suddenly realize that at a certain point in the day he is almost two hours away. I can barely contain the information. This means I can open the curtains and not watch the clock so much. I can maybe go to the mall…I have sixty bucks…
For two days I watch as he leaves at 7 am and doesn’t return until almost 7 pm. By the third day, I’m almost crazy with plans for my excursion. The babies are bundled up and off we go to the mall like it’s the first time. I’m euphoric as I buy new pajamas for the babies. They’re almost like the old ones, just bigger, because I don’t want him to notice. I buy some vegetable soup and “chickin loolo tsoup” on request of one Miss Linus and cereal. I will hide these in a cabinet in the basement. The lady at the deli finds the babies so cute she gives them each a cookie, which they wolf down. We share a fat deli sandwich with a fat dill “picko” and a coke. I sigh with great satisfaction and I think how long it’s been since I’ve felt this good.
On my way to the next store, I look at my house and wish it was a happy place. That’s when I see a car in the driveway…his delivery car…
No…no…no…NOOOOOO!
My legs buckle and I fall to my knees. A kind lady helps me up. I can’t even talk to thank her. My eyes are glued to that car. I’m about to throw my purchases in the garbage when Michael comes out of his store to see if I’m ok. I hand him the bags and ask him if he can hold these in his store for me until tomorrow. And I’m gone before he can answer.
Run Naoma, run…for God’s sake run…run the other way. You have forty dollars…go to the train station…
I run into Dr. Wilson’s office because I don’t know what else to do. There’s no one there and he sees me before I have chance to run back out. He asks if I’m ok and I lie that Linus has had fever but I don’t have an appointment. My stomach is screaming and I’m waiting for my bowels to give out. He checks both girls over and gives me a prescription which he knows I can’t fill, so gives me samples to take home. He asks me if I’m ok and I want to scream at him to shut up and that I have to go…please let me go…
My feet and legs feel so heavy as I make my way back to that house. Going up the driveway, my legs give out again and I’m on my knees trying not to cry. I manage to get back on my feet…and I continue to the back door…my heart is pounding, my throat dry and I feel like I am going to my own execution.
How could I have been so wrong about all this?
Breathe…breathe…open the door…
Next -> Purgatory
Tags: coke, in the eye of the beholder, Mennonite country, rattletrap, train station