I’m being dragged across the street to the strip mall…To the doctor’s office. I’m carrying two children. I’m not moving fast enough so he’s pulling me along, by the collar of my sweater. The babies chatter to each other and I watch every step in front of me. I’m afraid to fall and hurt these babies. He’s not even thinking that far.
I’m being dragged, by the collar of my sweater, to the doctor’s office because he’s decided that I am “too big” down there…the doctor is to send me to the hospital to have me “tightened up” because he, Jonathan, says so.
In my head I’m thinking of my childhood and all the wonderful times I had with my best friend. We were thick as thieves…life was so full of expectations and adventures. I almost fall…I end my reverie. Where did I take a wrong turn? What day was it exactly? What year? I’m dying in my humiliation. I wish the earth would open up and swallow me.
We are at the doctor’s office too soon. I don’t have to worry about falling any more. We have no appointment. He convinces the receptionist this is urgent and she fits us in. I wonder which is worse…going through with this or risking his rage had she refused us. We are called in…I feel like throwing up. I like this doctor…he’s good to me and the babies…now I’m dying, standing before him. Jonathan does not mince words and the look on Dr. Wilson’s face makes me want to cry. He knows there’s something not right. He agrees to examine me. I’m always so afraid to leave the babies alone with their father…afraid he will take them and vanish and I will search the rest of my life for them…
I’m laying on the exam table, feet in stirrups, spread eagle…my tears run into my ears and I am chocking on the humiliation of fingers and metal invading me…”May as well get a pap smear,” says the doctor, trying to make amends for this horror. I can’t get dressed fast enough…run out of there…wiping my face free of traces that this is killing me…
Behind his desk, the doctor looks from Jonathan, to me, and back again. The babies on my lap hide my burning face. Dr. Wilson’s words echo around my head and for a minute I don’t understand. “There is nothing wrong with your wife…she is not “too big…”as a matter of fact, she is rather small for having had two children, one of them less than a year ago…” I could cry with joy…He then seals my fate by saying…”It’s not Neoma that’s too big, Jonathan…it is you that is well, too…you know…not a good fit…which is normal for many men…” Please God don’t let me laugh out loud…
I’m being dragged home by the collar of my sweater. He’s screaming for all the world to hear that the doctor is an asshole…that I’m a whore…that I’m never to go back to that bastard quack…My knees almost buckle as we cross the street in front of oncoming cars, honking furiously…the babies are crying…
I cannot say I am in the safety of my home…there is no safety here…I try to make the time of feeding, bathing and putting down the babies last as long as possible. He is pacing…he is waiting…A loud crack makes me jump…I realize it’s the snap of a leather belt on furniture…he screams my name…
I must go now…
Next -> Angel Kisses
Tags: feet in stirrups, humiliation, leather belt, spread eagle