The winter turns to spring and I’m comfortable in my own skin. I’ve found a small apartment on sixth street. It used to be a store, now converted into two separate apartments. And the riotous McDonells live next door and they treat us like gold. Mrs. Jameson, across the road, is almost 80 and has adopted the lot of us. When we see her cross the street with her basket, there’s a loud cheer and we all go out to meet her. In that basket there’s fresh baked scones and biscuits, along with her latest batch of the best homemade red currant jelly you will ever taste. We give her the best seat, the lawn chair, and we all sit on the long front steps and feast. There are always extra jars of jelly for everyone. I feel like I’m part of a large, loving boisterous family. I’m content. I have a phone. I’m as big a house.
I buy a big girl bed for Linus, explaining that when the baby in my belly comes, she will have to sleep in the big girl bed because the baby needs her crib. She sleeps in it from the first night. She’s ready. Most days we sing, play, cook, learn to read and our ABC’s. We go for walks. At night, we sit on the steps with the McDonells, tell stories and laugh loudly. The baby is lively and kicks up a storm. I go to sleep happy.
Then he writes to me. Twice a week and I come to dread the mail. He tells me how sorry he is, how much he loves me…you do not love me…you would not have done these things if you loved me…
Linus never asks about him. It’s like he doesn’t exist in her world. I make the decision to have my tubes tied, because I really don’t want to be pregnant again. The doctor says he can’t do it without my husbands’ consent. I’m totally flabbergasted. It’s my body and I need HIS permission. Angrily I send off the forms and he actually signs them. I get a letter a few days later that he’s not happy about it either. That’s too bad.
I’m not due until June, but at the end of May I go into labor. My Dad comes to get Linus and her things and I go to the hospital. The next day I give birth to Boo, another beautiful little girl. And, as luck would have it, on Jonathan’s birthday…I have my tubes tied.
That fall, a year after going into prison, he gets a three day pass to come home to see his new daughter. I’m stressed and nervous. I’m shocked at how much weight he’s lost. He’s floating in his clothes. I find some of his old clothes that fit better. He’s not impressed that I still have his things in boxes in storage. I have a life without you, Jonathan…
We spend the two nights at his mother’s house. My parents don’t even know he’s here. He’s not supposed to but he drinks with his brothers until he passes out, wherever. In the guest room, with my babies, I thank God I don’t have to sleep with him. On Sunday morning he goes back and I go home. My head hurts. He’s so lost and I don’t know how to fix things. I don’t want to.
Fall turns to winter and Linus is two. Winter turns to spring and Boo turns a year old.
I then make the decision that seals my fate…I take him back…
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Tags: biscuits, currant jelly, fate, fresh baked scones, tubes tied