The train station comes into view and my legs turn to water. This is it…I make my way inside and I’m suddenly assaulted by shear terror. I look at the itinerary to keep from panicking.
Three trains leave around the same time. One is going to a place a few hours from here. Not far enough…One is going out West and the other is headed to my home town. I have enough money to get us out West but not much else. Where will we stay? I don’t know anything there. Panic rises. I think of going home…You go home and I will kill you and your whole family…the sick felling is overwhelming me. Maybe I should just go back…I’d be back before he got home…he’d never know…
The babies’ chattering excitedly about the choo choo train breaks into my panic. I walk straight to the ticket counter and ask for a ticket to my hometown. I’m shaking so hard, I can barely get the money out to pay. The man takes my ugly suitcase and asks about the stroller. I tell him to put it in the garbage. I don’t know why I say that…yes you do…get a new one if I need one. He takes the stroller without expression; what he does with it I’ll never know.
The train arrives in twenty minutes. It’s the longest twenty minutes of my life…
I head to the bathroom, wash my face and pray to God for courage and that I don’t puke. It’s pee time for every body. The babies do their funky dances; they’re so excited. I tell them we’re going to Pepère and Nanny’s house. That gets them going even more and they make me laugh. I want to feel the way they do about life…”Nina Boo and Mom go Père and Nanny house!” they sing. “Nina Boo and Mom go see Unca Bando and Unca Lallice and Auntie Laine!” Suddenly Linus fixes me with those eyes and says “Not Daddy, right Mom?” They both watch me so intensely, with little faces registering some unnamed terror, that I feel my face get hot. “No Daddy…” I reassure them. The happy sunny faces return and I could just cry.
We wash up, brush our hair and head into the waiting room. Ten minutes…I take a seat by the window so the babies can see the trains. They ask which one is ours. I tell them ours isn’t here yet. The train out West is boarding and I wonder if I made the right choice. The babies are plastered against the window watching and chattering about trains and peoples. Seven minutes…counting down the minutes makes my belly hurt. You’re not rushing to get home before he hurts you…but it feels the same…The train going out West pulls out of the station. The babies wave and shout “Bye, Bye!” Again I wonder if I made the right decision. Five minutes…
I hear a train rumbling into the station. I just know it’s our train. It pulls in screeching and belching and I swear I will faint. I tell the babies it’s time to go and they jump up and down. I focus on them to keep from falling apart and turning back. I want to turn back…
Time to go…With my shopping bag and a clapping baby in each arm, I force my legs to move to the train that will take me away from this living hell.
Don’t look back, Neoma…just don’t look back…
Next -> Best Laid Plans
Tags: choo choo train, Nina Boo, shear terror, stroller, ugly suitcase