Linus and Boo won’t go to sleep unless I’m sleeping in their room. I set up camp on the floor between their beds and they’re good with that. Linus runs the minute she hears the shower going. Something tells me she will do this for a very long time to come. She watches the bathroom door when it’s bath time…just in case…I’ve had to give them their baths long before he gets home. They know “daddy” won’t come crashing through that door because he won’t be home until very very late…when it’s “Nina Boo bedtime” as they say. I get up after they’re asleep and finish up my day.
Rage sits quietly in my bones…just sits and watches. It’s fueled by those damn images of him trying to drown Linus in the shower…images of her shivering little body…images of Boo’s fear stricken face…memories of the screams…I don’t think I can ever forget, so the rage lives on…
I stay awake and plan. I have money that Michael is still holding for me. I steal a dollar here, fifty cents there from Jonathan’s wallet. I have made the trek to the mall and called the train station. I know when the trains leave, the day, the times. I watch the days. I watch him. I will know when to get ready. I will know when to escape.
Tonight he barks at me to get my sorry ass in “our” bed. Even though I have a headache and my back hurts from sleeping on the floor, I tell him my days of sleeping with him are long over. “Who died and made you President!” he yells. I can’t even be bothered to answer such stupid statements. “Why do you always defend them!” he barks again, this time in my ear. I flinch from surprise, but I recover very quickly and this time I answer “If you have to ask that kind of question, you’re more stupid than I think.” I brace myself for a back hand but he just sneers at me and walks away. For some reason, he still thinks he’s done nothing wrong. Exercising discipline. He’s sorely mistaking.
I finally get my chores done and I sit down at the table to read the newspaper and just stop for a bit. Before long he starts again. Tells me I’m the one whose stupid, and of course, ugly. Married me to relieve himself. I don’t allow the words to penetrate my heart. He starts to throw spit balls at me. I still ignore him. He then says “You can’t ignore me forever bitch! I’m the one who decides your future. If you want me to be nice to you, you had better start minding me.” With this, I turn and calmly say “The problem with you is you think you’re real smart. One day you will get yours.” I get up and go to bed.
Laying on the cold floor, I listen to the babies snore. Balm for my bruised heart. I think of how tired I am…Suddenly my hair stands on end…he’s walking into the room…I hold my breath…what does he want…I pretend to sleep…
A downpour of ice cold water comes flooding over my head. The pain lets me know my eardrum is damaged. The shock has me pinned to the floor for the longest time. I can hear him laughing. He thinks it’s all so funny. I’m gasping, trying to catch my breath, trying to calm my heart beating out of my chest…
Everything in me breaks. I get up and go find him.
Next -> Battling Demons
