Where do you go when you’re not in a good place…where do you keep your sanity, your will to live…I try to stay within my head, where I know things even if I don’t understand others. I apply salve to my torn psyche as well as my burned skin. The pain subsides but the anger just festers. Where do you go from this? I’m tired. I feel like a rose trying to bloom in the dark…
My knees have a perfect circle of flesh missing; my heart has totally gone out the window. I used to feel bad for him, that he’d had such a bad life. I thought I could make a difference. It doesn’t work that way. Women are bad for that, thinking if they love that man enough, he’ll change. That theory is as old as civilization. It didn’t work then either. Generation after generation, we get caught in the same trap…will my babies do the same? Will I be strong enough to guide them away from that?
He burned my knees…His efforts earned him a black eye. The searing pain made me angry. I tried to knock the cigarette out of his hand and ended up connecting with his face. Surprised both of us. I got myself to the bathroom to take care of my blistering knees. I couldn’t even cry. It felt like it was just one more day and one more thing I had to attend to. He stood in the door, telling me that I just shouldn’t wear skirts. It upsets him…because I have beautiful legs and everyone can see them when I wear a skirt…and he hates that…and they should be just for him…on and on he goes…I don’t hear it all but the sound of his voice is driving me to the edge.
I have plans but right now they seem to be so useless. Can I really leave? Can I really go so far away that he will never find me? Will he move on or make it his life’s mission to hunt me down? And for what? That’s what I want to know. Can you tell me? What do you think makes a man do these things and what in the world would make him spend his life looking for one person, for me…the one that got away? If you don’t want or love someone, why do you care? Why do you not let them go…ever.
The words “I love you…” makes me snap out of it. I stare at him in disbelief. I can’t take it. “Are you serious!” I scream. “Are you not tired of living like this! Are you not tired of beating on me, hurting me! And for what reason!” I stop to wipe my mouth because I’m spitting. “What have I done to you, to deserve any of the crap you’ve put me through! Explain that to me! I WANT TO KNOW! Damn it!” My anger burns and I rage at him. “I want to know exactly what it is about me that makes you want to hurt me… What is it Jonathan? WHAT!” He just stands there and looks at me.
I hear one of the babies whimpering and I lower my voice. I brush past him and take care of Boo who is crying from the shouting. Now I feel horrible. My knees hurt, my head hurts and my heart cries out for these babies. There is no answer is there? Where do we go from here…
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Tags: burned knees, civilization, I love you, psyche, roses