It’s after midnight. I sit by the big front window, heavy curtains wide open, and I watch the world. I savor a cup of hot chocolate and I drift with the snow falling and covering the silent world. The icicles hang heavy and thick from the street lights. I can see the tracks made by the last car that went by hours ago. It’s eerily beautiful out there, a lonely, quiet place. When the light is just right, the snow coated trees just so, it makes the whole thing look blue. It’s a blue night…
When I checked on the babies, they were snoring softly, askew in their beds, with a host of dollies, bears and other stuffed, and much cherished, guests. I had a chance to soak in the tub, in very hot water, letting the weight of the world slip away from my frail shoulders. The steam rose around me like great clouds and the only sound was my breathing. Such a pleasure…so rarely can it be enjoyed. I dream of a day when I can do this whenever I want to. Especially on blue nights…
He’s next door. They had a party. We now knock on each other’s basement door if we need anything. It’s better than them banging on my back door and scaring the crap out of me. There was knocking earlier and I opened the door to find Jeff on the steps. I can smell the alcohol but he’s not drunk. He’s a welterweight boxing champion and goes easy on the booze. He’s not pretty, with his flat, broad boxer’s nose. He came to tell me that my husband has passed out over there, and they’ll just keep him and send him home in the morning. Even though I’m not convinced that’s the truth, I couldn’t be happier.
The hot chocolate warms my insides and I remember dark, cold winter nights like this, deep in the winter of my childhood. The season seemed so long and silent. We couldn’t wait until summer. Our summers were long, warm and loud. Summer buzzes, winter sleeps. Anda and I used to sleep out on the big front porch of my house. Her little sister Kiss did too, until a praying mantis decided to sleep on her, effectively ending her “camp out on the porch adventure” forever. I can still hear her screams and our nervous laughing. Oh, and all the times Anda peed in my mom’s rose bushes; she was too afraid of disturbing my parents in the middle of night. Best roses in the neighborhood.
The good feeling I have inside evaporates as I return to reality. This week I discovered Sandy wasn’t pregnant, just stressed about it. I’m sort of disappointed. Her period arrived the day after we found out. She came to tell me she was so in loooove with Jonathan. She wants me to step out of the picture, not realizing that I can’t. I tell her she needs to talk to him, not me. I’m more than willing to leave. She doesn’t get it yet that he’s over her and she needs to move on. I think of my day at the music store…how alive I felt and how much I want to taste that aliveness every single damn day…
I sit here watching the silent world outside my window. I wish I could see the stars…It’s a blue night…and I feel it in my bones…it’s the calm before the storm…
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Tags: blue night, booze, praying mantis, welterweight boxer