On two separate trips, because he still insists on holding one of the babies hostage, hands and faces get washed, we brush out hair and reset our barrettes just right. Even the offer of cookies doesn’t make either of them feel better. When I return with Boo, Linus is scrunched into the corner of the seat, as far as she can get from her father. Tears sting my eyes and I feel worse when she gets up and hurls herself at me, almost knocking me over. I sit down and they cling to me for all they are worth, again. He just sits there and stares at me with such hatred, I feel sick. It makes me shift in my seat to avoid holes being burned into me. “You better just act normal,” he’d said to me. He’d reinforced the point by twisting my wrist. “Normal” he’d said. I almost laughed…can’t show any signs of terror or else…

The scenery outside my window is familiar. It has not changed while I was gone. While I was trying to figure out how to stay alive, the world continued and things here stayed the same. The horses are still grazing quietly over at Harthaven farms. The barn still needs paint. Further down the tracks, an old shack still stands, defying time and gravity, its one window staring at the world like a weary eye, daring the elements to knock it over.

The sky is still so blue…I used to lay in the cool grass in the backyard or on the banks of the river and think that my little home town had the bluest sky ever. Laying there, chewing on a piece of tall grass, I thought how Anda and I would marry fine husbands, have houses next door to each other, lots of babies to share and life would be so good. The world was so perfect and nothing could ever go wrong. But somewhere, somehow it did go wrong…and the sky is still so blue…

As the train slows down my anxiety rises. I can see the train station in the distance. The last time I saw this place was the day I married Jonathan. I was a scared seventeen year old boarding a train with a husband I thought loved me. I remember the throng of friends and relatives standing there, long sad faces, hollow eyed, crying and waving goodbye. They wanted better for me. They could not protect me now that I was leaving their lives. I was on my own…

As I arrive, I’m amazed at how I thought we really would be safe here. You’re on your own again… No one knows we’re here… Will they ever know we’re here? Will I even make it to my parents house?

My insides are shaking so bad. The babies have succumbed to the rumble of the train and they’re sleeping on the seat beside me. They look like two little spoons, with their heads on my lap, each clutching Kitty cat and Kitty cat close to them. It took so long to get them to calm down. They’re lost in the sleep of exhaustion and fear. The shock of seeing him was too much for us.

I look across and he’s asleep in his seat, with his ankles wrapped around mine…in case I get it into my head to escape while he sleeps. I thought of taking the babies to the bathroom, just before the next stop and getting out wherever. I don’t need my old suitcase. What little I have can be replaced. All I want is to take my babies and disappear into the night, forever. With my stomach in my throat, I tried it. My heart almost failed when he grabbed my arm and twisted it whispering ” Don’t even think of it.” To make sure, he made me leave Boo with him. Miserable and wanting to scream, I took one, then the other baby, to pee. I sat back down in my seat with the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Maybe I should have bought a ticket out West? I’m sure he didn’t have enough money for that ticket. Why didn’t I do that? Why wasn’t I more careful? How did he know…what will happen to us? My head hurts trying to find answers. I mean, we are going to go back to that hell hole again aren’t we? He said we will have a nice visit with our folks and then we will go “home” and be a nice, happy, shiny family…

My insides feel like they’re on fire. I keep trying to get the conductor’s attention. I think that if I stare at him long enough, he will figure all this out. I want to scream out loud that this man his hurting me and have the conductor throw him off the train. But they would probably take me away to the loony bin instead…At one point, the conductor sees there’s something wrong by the way I look at him and he comes over and actually asks me if I’m okay…if there’s anything wrong…Jonathan just looks at him and says “not a thing, she’s just fine, just the nervous sort when she’s traveling.” The conductor kept looking at me. “Help me!” my eyes plead. But he turns and I don’t see him again until we arrive at our destination.

My legs cramp and I try to untangle them from his. He tightens his grip. My anger is so great. I finally yank them out and kick him. The look on his face lets me know that somewhere, somehow, I will pay dearly for this.

I cover my babies with my jacket and lay my head back. I feel my days are numbered…God why are you letting this happen? GOD! WHERE ARE YOU!!!

My heart is hardening…I think of all that has happened and I come to the conclusion that there is no God…after all this, there can’t be…

NEXT -> HOMECOMING

I feel uneasy. I just wish this train would start moving… go…go…go. I watch people come and go, old people, young people, people with babies, half afraid of……of what? My nerves are stretched to the breaking point. Go… go… go… why won’t this train just go! The babies are kneeling on their seats, peering out the windows and waiving at everyone and anyone. I can see the conductor coming down the aisle, collecting tickets, punching them and sticking them up on the ticket holders above each passenger. But still the train doesn’t move.

I’m starting to sweat. I break into the shopping bag and fish out the cookies the nice lady gave us. “Yummy cookies Mom,” squeal the babies. My cookie sits in my stomach like a rock. Will this train ever leave! Tears are coming to my eyes… don’t cry Neoma… it’s okay… I’m so tense that when the conductor asks me for my ticket, I can barely move. He chats up the babies, who are more than happy to tell him they are going on the choo-choo train! From his pockets, he produces two lollipops and hands them over to some very surprised and happy babies. “Sank you,” they say in unison, which makes the conductor laugh. I can’t laugh. I’m so tight with nerves, my mouth is dry and I can’t speak. God please make this train leave…

The babies want to follow the conductor but I tell them the train is going to start moving soon and they need to be in their seats. Just as I say that, the train actually begins to move. The relief is like a downpour, flooding over me. I want to laugh and cheer. I feel like one of those crazy people who just start to laugh and laugh for no reason. Slowly, slowly, then faster and faster, the train pulls out of the station and out of hell.

As we leave the city and head into the countryside, the babies are beside themselves with joy as they see real cows and horses for the first time. And each and every time they see a cow or a horse, they cry out “Look Mom! Cows Mom! Horsies Mom!” Once again they make me laugh. My heart rumbles along with this train and slowly I let the rhythm of the rails soothe my soul. In five hours I will be with my family, be in a better place. I will talk to my Dad about the threats… he will talk to the police… I will find a safe place… I will have…

I look at Linus and this strange light flickers across her eyes as she looks at something just passed my shoulder. My stomach and my heart squeeze…no…no…no. Both babies jump on me at the same time. Someone taps me on the shoulder. I am frozen. I can’t turn around. This is not happening…this is not happening! No no no no no no no no no……

And there he is. Just standing there in front of me.

“You want to go home?” he smiles, “I’ll take you home.”

Next -> No God

Three trains leave around the same time. One is going to a place a few hours from here. Not far enough…One is going out West and the other is headed to my home town. I have enough money to get us out West but not much else. Where will we stay? I don’t know anything there. Panic rises. I think of going home…You go home and I will kill you and your whole family…the sick felling is overwhelming me. Maybe I should just go back…I’d be back before he got home…he’d never know…

The babies’ chattering excitedly about the choo choo train breaks into my panic. I walk straight to the ticket counter and ask for a ticket to my hometown. I’m shaking so hard, I can barely get the money out to pay. The man takes my ugly suitcase and asks about the stroller. I tell him to put it in the garbage. I don’t know why I say that…yes you do…get a new one if I need one. He takes the stroller without expression; what he does with it I’ll never know.

The train arrives in twenty minutes. It’s the longest twenty minutes of my life…

I head to the bathroom, wash my face and pray to God for courage and that I don’t puke. It’s pee time for every body. The babies do their funky dances; they’re so excited. I tell them we’re going to Pepère and Nanny’s house. That gets them going even more and they make me laugh. I want to feel the way they do about life…”Nina Boo and Mom go Père and Nanny house!” they sing. “Nina Boo and Mom go see Unca Bando and Unca Lallice and Auntie Laine!” Suddenly Linus fixes me with those eyes and says “Not Daddy, right Mom?” They both watch me so intensely, with little faces registering some unnamed terror, that I feel my face get hot. “No Daddy…” I reassure them. The happy sunny faces return and I could just cry.

We wash up, brush our hair and head into the waiting room. Ten minutes…I take a seat by the window so the babies can see the trains. They ask which one is ours. I tell them ours isn’t here yet. The train out West is boarding and I wonder if I made the right choice. The babies are plastered against the window watching and chattering about trains and peoples. Seven minutes…counting down the minutes makes my belly hurt. You’re not rushing to get home before he hurts you…but it feels the same…The train going out West pulls out of the station. The babies wave and shout “Bye, Bye!” Again I wonder if I made the right decision. Five minutes…

I hear a train rumbling into the station. I just know it’s our train. It pulls in screeching and belching and I swear I will faint. I tell the babies it’s time to go and they jump up and down. I focus on them to keep from falling apart and turning back. I want to turn back…

Time to go…With my shopping bag and a clapping baby in each arm, I force my legs to move to the train that will take me away from this living hell.

Don’t look back, Neoma…just don’t look back…

Next -> Best Laid Plans

The pain in my side lets me know that I need stop. I’ve been pushing a stroller full of babies and lugging this big suitcase, for God knows how many blocks, almost running, feeling like the devil is after me. I’m on a mission…to get to the train station. Somehow as I stumbled down the road, I managed to look over my shoulder several times to make sure I wasn’t being followed. The only thing following you, Neoma, are ghosts…

I stop, take a deep breath, trying to get my heart to slow down. I take the babies out of the stroller and let them stretch their legs. I tell them I have a surprise and reveal that we’re going on the choo-choo train. Their little eyes light up, they clap their hands and jump up and down, crying out “Nina, Boo and Mom go on the choo-choo train!” Just then a big fat tabby cat comes slinking out of some bushes, making the babies squeal even louder. “Look Mom! Kitty cat! Kitty cat, Mom!” They squat down, calling the cat to them, and the cat obliges. I watch the babies laugh and pet him and I’m filled with something I’ve rarely experience. This is the way things should be…

They want to take the cat with us. I tell them that he belongs to some other little girls and they would cry if we took him. They hug the cat once more, telling him they have to go… they’re going on the choo-choo train! I put the heavy suit case in the stroller and let the babies walk for a bit, letting them enjoy the fresh air and wonderful sunshine. They chatter and giggle. Once again I get that feeling…This is the way things should be…

We turn the corner onto Main street and everything bursts to life with the sounds and colors of the city waking, the shops opening. Real life being lived, in real ways. Delicious smells from the bakery make you weak in the knees. A fat round lady, in a starched white apron, sees us drooling in the window and comes out with a tray of the most beautiful cookies you’ve ever seen in your life. She offers them to us and my face turns bright red as I ask how much they cost. She tells me they’re not for sale… these cookies are for friends… We all choose cookies with yummy pink icing and I thank her with all my heart. Don’t cry, Neoma…The babies tell her we’re going on the choo-choo train. She pulls out two plastic bags from some secret pocket, fills it with more pink icing cookies, gives one each to the babies, telling them they will need them on the long choo-choo train ride…Just the way it should be…

As we walk along, munching away, we pass by a Goodwill store and in the window there are two stuffed kitty cats… one pink, one purple. The babies spot them right about the same time I do. They squeal with mouths full of cookies. Inside the store, I screw up my courage to ask the nice lady how much those stuffed kitties might be. By looking at us, she deduces we have little money and sells them to me for fifty cents. “Sank you Mom!” the babies giggle, hugging and kissing me.

It’s time to head to the train station. I load the babies back into the stroller with the kitty cats they’ve named Kitty cat and Kitty cat…Just the way it should be…

Next -> Don’t Look Back

I lower the suitcase from the back steps and set it next to the stroller. The babies are going potty before we leave and they’re chattering about going for a long walk. I go around the house again to make sure all is perfect. I get the babies into their jackets and they start shouting they’re going for a WALK!! I sush them, telling them it’s very important for us to be quiet. We don’t want to wake Jenkins upstairs or he’ll be very mad. Mad they understand. Their solemn little faces make me feel terrible having to tell them that. But I have to…their shouts of joy will attract that old bastard to his windows, and that cannot happen…not today...silence is crucial to our survival…

We step out into the glorious morning sunlight. I close the door without looking back. I never want to see this place again. I set the stroller on the path and take Linus down first, setting her, Dolly Baby and the Peno at the back. I sit Boo in front with Popo the bear and her little blanket. I tell them, they’re so good, I will buy them a special treat. I check to make sure I have everything…I’m scared to death…I pick up the suitcase with one hand and with the other I push the stroller and take my first steps towards freedom.

I look at the windows covered with blankets and bed sheets and shame rises in my throat….never again…Instead of heading straight for the sidewalk, I cut across the lawn staying close to the house, thinking there’s less chance that old bastard will see us. I pass the front window with those heavy curtains that, for so long now, hid my misery from the world….never again… pass the other part of the house where I once saw him caressing and dancing with our teenage neighbor…never again…don’t cry either because that’s in the past and right now you are walking towards your future….just go…walk Neoma, walk…

I make it to the sidewalk just as the light turns red and I start to shake. Please change…please change…I want to turn and see if anyone is watching me but I’m too afraid. I feel the perspiration running between my breast and down my back. Oh please God make the light change…and it does and it takes everything for me not to run across that road. On the other side, there’s a park and further down a retaining wall and my goal is to get to that wall. Once I’ve passed it, we will be invisible to that old bastard. In the meantime, I pray and beg God to please make Jenkins be too busy drinking his morning wine to be looking out the window.

It seems so far away but I don’t dare go faster. Walk Neoma, walk…The suitcase is heavy, the babies are so quiet and I just watch that wall. The world passes me by, the cars and buses. I was going to take the bus but I need to move. I can’t hold still, not now. I’ve held still for too long…

I reach the wall and think I’m going to puke. My heart is pounding and tears run down my face from shear terror and stress. But I realize I made it and I make my rubber legs walk faster. Walk Neoma, walk… The world still rushes by….and the girl with the stroller and suitcase begins to run for her life…run Neoma, RUN…..

Next -> The Way it Should Be

My nerves are as tight as a bow string….I swear I’m teetering on the brink of a breakdown…let the time go by quickly but not so quickly that I lose my way…I lay here listening to the damn sounds of my life…listening as the car crunched down the driveway. I lay here perfectly still, waiting, waiting…for an hour. Just to make sure he suddenly didn’t come back to get something he forgot

…nothing must go wrong today…

When I finally feel safe enough, I get up, put the mattress away, so happy that I’ll never sleep on it again…I’ll never come back to this ratty place…

It’s when I pull out the suitcases and I hear that old bastard shuffling around upstairs, that it hits me. I can’t go over to the bakery and call a cab, as I’d planned. Jenkins will hear it coming up the driveway. From his many windows he’ll see me, babies and suitcases piling in and he’ll call Jonathan’s work and let him know “his wife is up to no good again.” I’m shaking with nerves and anger. If I lived on the moon, it would not be far enough from these two…

You’ll have to walk it… I empty the suitcases. Tears run down my face. I can only carry one. I pack up the largest with only the clothes we need. It’s okay…you’ll soon be able to get new ones... I fill a shopping bag with toys and snacks. I take the stroller outside and place it beside the stairs where it can’t be seen. I put the shopping bag on the rack underneath. Please God don’t let me collapse…

I have my money. Last night he sent me to get cigarettes. As I walked to the mall, I realized a semi truck was stopped in the parking lot, in such a way, that it blocked Jonathan’s view to the music store and the supermarket. I ran like hell, into the music store, breathlessly telling Michael to “stand outside, I’ll grab my money on the way back, I’m leaving in the morning, that the truck blocked the view” and I ran back out to get the cigarettes. When I came out, the truck was gone. You’ll have to come back in the morning…I ran past the music store, fighting back the tears and dearly hoping Michael wouldn’t suddenly come out. As I reached the end of the mall, in a small unlit area that could not be seen from the house, Michael stepped out of the shadows and damn near gave me heart failure. He handed me the money, kissed my forehead and wished me luck. The tears spilled down my face as I thanked him for being such a good friend. I put the money down the front of my jeans, inside my panties and ran home before I got into trouble.

The sound of little feet shuffling on the floor, gladdens my heart and they come tearing in ready for penuff buller toast. While they eat, I get dressed and tie my hair back, trying to look pretty. This is your day, Neoma….My stomach is in knots. I go through the house to make sure all is the way it should be and that I haven’t forgotten anything. I dress the babies and tell them were going for a walk. They clap their hands and hug. “Nina Boo go in the stwoller wit Mom!” they sing. They always refer to themselves as Nina Boo like they’re just one entity.

The clock ticks loudly…the time is here Neoma….go…go…

Next -> Run Neoma Run

Sounds, big and small, sounds that I am so used to, like the sudden roar of the garbage truck, doing it’s thing at the bakery next door, makes me jump out of my skin. That sound is bittersweet. I listen as it empties bins full of day old loaves of bread that once kept me and my babies alive. My face reddens with shame at the thought…never again will you have to climb into dirty garbage bins to rescue sustenance…never again…Tears run down my face and I get angry with myself for being such a baby…forget everything Neoma…everything…just look forward, ahead of you, to the life you will have…

The very thought makes the panic of uncertainty rise in me, churning my gut to shreds. What life will I have? Where am I going to go? Far away for sure… far away from him…where he can’t find us…I think out west is the better idea but I want to go home so bad….where I feel safe…where I have family….where my Andalee lives….but he said he would kill all of them…where do I go? Don’t worry about that right now…

I carefully separate which clothes I will take. Is it warm in BC? I don’t want the babies to get cold like they did here. I set piles of clothes for each of us, in a specific drawer, and hope it is enough. When the babies nap, I haul out my old battered suitcases and wipe off the spider webs. Quietly and carefully, I retrieve the clothing and pack them up in the suitcases. I fill two of them and hide them in the back of the babies’ closet, our safe place. The last one I leave empty to put in toys and last minute stuff. In the bottom of the special drawer, I place what we will wear that day. I select the best clothes we have…socks, underwear, pants, shirts and spring jackets for the babies…panties with holes, bra, jeans and sweater for me…again my face flushes with shame at the holey panties. You will have brand new ones soon…

It feel like hours must have gone by and I could just cry when I look at the clock and only 27 minutes have passed. Why does time do that to me? Does it not know that I need it to work right and gallop through the days until I leave? How will I ever be able to tolerate the deliberate dragging of time? How can I slow down the liquid wanting in my veins, make my heart beat to the rhythm of the world, as it takes it sweet time? Don’t think about it…just do what you always do…be patient…

I can’t tell the babies about the choo choo train ride until we are on it. I can’t tell anyone anything at the risk of being discovered. I have to get my money stashed over at Michael’s store but I can’t until I leave. I can’t risk the money being found. Old suitcases in the closet do not arouse suspicion. Almost a hundred dollars in small bills most certainly will.

…dear God…don’t let me lose my nerve from this eternal waiting…don’t let me lose my mind…

Next -> Tick…Tick…Tick

He’s setting up the bed…. I start wailing on him with the broom. He’s so surprised, he’s in shock for a split second. I keep pounding on him, years of rage handed out in the only way I have at the moment. Every time I land a blow, I grunt louder and louder. Then he laughs…he freakin laughs…I roar and bring the broom down across the bridge of his nose. He screams…blood starts pouring down his mouth and chin. “You bitch!” he yells and grabs the broom, twisting it and snapping the handle. The end I’m holding has a nice sharp point. He lunges at me; I move, sending him crashing to the floor.

“You think you’re some kind of f*****g Ninja!!” he barks. I step back, watching him get up off the floor. In what he thinks is a surprise move, he dives for me again. I bring my knee up, catching him square in the crotch. He falls like a bag of cement, yelping, calling me every name he can think of. He’s almost face down and I feel this huge surge of something. I put one foot on his left shoulder, placing the sharp end of my broom handle right on his jugular. Instantly he stops moving. “What are doing you crazy bitch!” he breathes. I press down on my make shift weapon. “What do you want?” he squeaks.

“You will never again lay a hand on my babies,” I hiss and press the handle down on his neck. “Stop!” he screeches. “Stop?” I ask with amazement. “Did you stop when I begged for my life, when you beat the crap out of me? If you ever touch the babies or me, I will kill you.” I press down on his neck again. “Maybe I’ll just push this broom handle through your neck and out your throat and watch you bleed to death.” I push down harder and he’s wailing that he’s sorry. Somewhere inside of me something tells me that I could kill him and just walk away…But another part of me says don’t do anything that will make them take your babies from you…

I twist the end of the broom on his neck and cause him more pain. I want to hurt him so bad…make him feel what I’ve been feeling so long…I start to let up and he turns just a bit. I can’t let him go yet. I slam the sharp broom into his neck and he screams, “Please, please stop! I’ll never hurt you or the babies. I swear on my mother’s life.” Blood is trickling down his neck where I’ve broken the skin. All you have to do is hold this broom stick up and drive it into his neck….

I walk away… I strip down and get into a warm sweater and my jeans. I lay down between the babies’ beds. I realize I’ve lost some of my hearing when I hear the bathroom water running but I didn’t hear him walking down the hall. I turn around so that my head sticks out from the bottom of the beds. If I can’t hear him, I want to be able to see him…I leave Monday when he’s gone to work…dear God let me get out before one of us kills the other…

Next -> All in Good Time

Rage sits quietly in my bones…just sits and watches. It’s fueled by those damn images of him trying to drown Linus in the shower…images of her shivering little body…images of Boo’s fear stricken face…memories of the screams…I don’t think I can ever forget, so the rage lives on…

I stay awake and plan. I have money that Michael is still holding for me. I steal a dollar here, fifty cents there from Jonathan’s wallet. I have made the trek to the mall and called the train station. I know when the trains leave, the day, the times. I watch the days. I watch him. I will know when to get ready. I will know when to escape.

Tonight he barks at me to get my sorry ass in “our” bed. Even though I have a headache and my back hurts from sleeping on the floor, I tell him my days of sleeping with him are long over. “Who died and made you President!” he yells. I can’t even be bothered to answer such stupid statements. “Why do you always defend them!” he barks again, this time in my ear. I flinch from surprise, but I recover very quickly and this time I answer “If you have to ask that kind of question, you’re more stupid than I think.” I brace myself for a back hand but he just sneers at me and walks away. For some reason, he still thinks he’s done nothing wrong. Exercising discipline. He’s sorely mistaking.

I finally get my chores done and I sit down at the table to read the newspaper and just stop for a bit. Before long he starts again. Tells me I’m the one whose stupid, and of course, ugly. Married me to relieve himself. I don’t allow the words to penetrate my heart. He starts to throw spit balls at me. I still ignore him. He then says “You can’t ignore me forever bitch! I’m the one who decides your future. If you want me to be nice to you, you had better start minding me.” With this, I turn and calmly say “The problem with you is you think you’re real smart. One day you will get yours.” I get up and go to bed.

Laying on the cold floor, I listen to the babies snore. Balm for my bruised heart. I think of how tired I am…Suddenly my hair stands on end…he’s walking into the room…I hold my breath…what does he want…I pretend to sleep…

A downpour of ice cold water comes flooding over my head. The pain lets me know my eardrum is damaged. The shock has me pinned to the floor for the longest time. I can hear him laughing. He thinks it’s all so funny. I’m gasping, trying to catch my breath, trying to calm my heart beating out of my chest…

Everything in me breaks. I get up and go find him.

Next -> Battling Demons