On the train, people stare and whisper. I can’t look at anyone. I don’t talk either, except to the babies. If I talk to anyone, I will start to scream. When Linus first sees me, she eyes me suspiciously. She knows there’s something different but she’s too small to understand. Eventually she rubs her little hands on my head and I bite my lip so I don’t cry.
My parents are too shocked to say anything when they see the missing hair and split lip. He takes great pride in filling in the details. He has control. Even my brothers, who would normally jump at the chance to pick on me, are subdued. My sister just stares. No one says anything to me. They all keep their distance, too afraid to bruise me more.
At his mother’s house, they have the same reaction for two minutes before they all start laughing. Again he goes into detail about it. He’s the man! I still won’t speak to anyone. The tears and the humiliation are too close to the surface. Those two days feel like 2 weeks. I feel like I’m suspended somehow and all that keep me here are my babies. His mother comments “that boy is a bit rough on you. Just like his father.” I want to spit on her. She’s no better. Cruelty is a Lessa family trait.
I remember…his sister Katie, eight months pregnant with her son. Katie is twenty but has the mind of an eleven year old. That’s why she’s pregnant. Someone took advantage of her. Mrs. Lessa inviting all those men over. Making Katie put on a short, see through green negligee and high heels. Nothing else… Making Katie dance on the table for the men. The men drinking and hooting for her to take off the little she has on. She doesn’t need to. They can see her large breasts with swollen purple nipples, her belly…her…everything…And she danced and the men gave her money. Jonathan, his brother Robby and I came in on the tail end of it. To their credit, Jonathan yelled at Katie to put clothes on and got into it with his mother. Robbie threw out those disgusting men, including Joe, his mother’s boyfriend. All Katie wanted was the cigarettes and ten bucks she’d been promised. I’m a sheltered catholic girl and I was in such shock witnessing this, it took me days before I could speak to anyone. Here I am once again, silent. I never want to come back here again.
The train ride home is long with a new set of people staring and whispering. On the way out, a kindly lady says to me “If you’re in danger, take your babies and go.” He tells her to mind her own business. She has dared to say more to me than our families did. When I step through the door of my house, I am exhausted and relieved it’s over but wondering what’s coming next.
He’s gone to work, the babies are sleeping and I’m cleaning up. I put on my little radio. I’m ok until the Bee Gees sing “Words.” At first, I just cough. But the lump in my throat gets so big and painful, I can’t hold any more. I crumble to the floor. The sobs and cries that come from me don’t even sound human. “It’s only words…and words are all I have…to take your heart away…” These words I write are all I have…all I have to take your heart away…to ease my own heart…
Next -> The Sounds
Tags: bruise, high heels, nipples, see through negligee