I’m exhausted from lack of sleep, from worrying. It’s like living with a snake, loose somewhere in the house, not knowing when it will strike. I’m barely able to get through the day and the nights are so long. I just want to sleep but I’m afraid to.
This day is over, the babies are sleeping and I emerge from a hot bath. Maybe tonight you can sleep…just a little…I put my pajamas on and feeling better I come out of the bathroom to find him standing there, holding the basement door open. I hate this feeling that I live with, that feeling when all your nerves jump, your stomach caves in and your heart starts to pound. I look at him and he says “You have two choices. Go in the basement on your own or I will throw you down there.” He’s not even drunk this time.
I start to beg…please don’t do this…I’m sorry…please…and once again I’m on my knees, humiliating myself in order to save myself. “If you’d learn to keep your mouth shut Neoma, if you’d just stop being such a whining bitch, I wouldn’t have to do these things,” he informs me. I’m bawling my eyes out. Please don’t…I beg of you…please… He grabs me and I yell for him to stop. I stand up and step into the cold basement. “Please leave the light on,” I beg. “Sure,” he says and he flips the switch on. He tells me to go all the way to the bottom. I DON”T WANT TO!! I stop half way down and turn to beg again but he says “to the bottom Neoma.” And I do it.
I’m bare feet and the cold stone floor stings as I try to stand there. I can see ice on the walls on the other side. “You can stay there and think about that stunt you pulled when your stupid brother was here,” he hisses “and then maybe you won’t be so quick to shoot your mouth off next time.” I want to ask how long I will have to stay here but I’m too afraid.
He sits on the top stair and asks me how it feels to be a “big mouth.” All I can think of is how long I will have to stay down here. I can’t stop crying. My feet hurt from the icy basement floor. I’m freezing. He gets up and reminds me “that I have a lot to think about.” I cry even harder when I hear the door close and the lock snaps into place. I stand there until I hear him go to the living room. Then I stand on the bottom step where it’s not so cold. I sit down and rub my feet to warm them up. Maybe he’ll let me out in half an hour…an hour… He watched for just the right moment, exhausting me with his waiting, making me a nervous wreck. He waited until I was in my bare feet… wearing only pajamas… my hair is all wet…he knew what he was doing all along…God I HATE HIM…I HATE HIM…I’m screaming inside my head to a God who has abandoned me.
I hear him walking back this way and my heart leaps with hope. I hear him use the bathroom. When he comes out, he’ll let you out…I hear him in front of the basement door. I even stand on the cold floor, so when he opens that door, I’ll be where he told me to be.
He then turns off the basement light…
Next -> Darkness
Tags: bare feet, God has abandoned me, on my knees, snake