I receive a letter from my mother, that my brother Brandon is coming to visit, while he’s off school for the holidays. I’m overjoyed and Jonathan is not pleased at all. But it’s too late to do anything about it. Old Jenkins got to the letter first, opened it and read it. By the time he remembered to give it to me, my brother was on his way. When the old bastard handed me that letter and said “Your brother is coming to visit” I was so mad he’d messed with my mail again that yelled at Jonathan to make him stop. To my surprise, Jonathan was mad too and told him that to open other people’s mail is against the law. The old buzzard just sneered at him.
But my brother was arriving that afternoon and I was scrambling to get everything ready. Because we got so much food, from the nice people, for Christmas, I don’t have to worry about feeding an extra person. When the cab pulled up, I was so excited. When he walked through that door I was ecstatic. While I had family here even if it was only four days, Jonathan wouldn’t dare hurt me.
The first day it was just fun getting caught up with family gossip. The babies were so excited to have “Unca Bando” to play with. Watching him chase them all over the house, listening to them scream and laugh makes me think that this is how it should always be. Happy and lighthearted. And this is where I decide to get bold…
The second day, I begin to taunt Jonathan…you’re not such a big man with my brother here, are you? What? you don’t feel like hitting me when there’s family present? Should I tell him about the slippers or the beatings or would you like to do it? I’m digging my own grave but I keep going. Jonathan touches his head to let Brandon know that I’m “not all there.” I get angry and tell Brandon “he’s trying to make you believe that I’m nuts.” And the way I carry on that whole day, well, I’m sure my brother is beginning to believe my husband may be right. On day three, I don’t say anything anymore because it’s obvious I’m getting nowhere. And I’m never alone with Brandon so that I can explain things. Jonathan sees to that.
By the time Brandon leaves I’m depressed and I begin to realize that I should have kept my mouth shut. It never occurred to me that once he left, I would be right back where I was before he got here. And Jonathan goes with him to the train station and God knows what he’s told him.
When he gets home, the most nerve wracking game of waiting begins. I’m expecting him to say or do something and he doesn’t. I don’t sleep that night worrying when this is going to happen. I stay on my side of the bed and watch for any movement from him. Is he going to try and smother me with his pillow? I’m so wound up, that I’m this close to screaming “just do it and get it over with!” And he doesn’t do or say anything the next day. And I don’t sleep another night.
I’m a nervous wreck…I wish I’d never opened my mouth…I know punishment is coming. I just don’t know when and it’s eating me alive…it will happen…I just don’t know when…what will he do…I have to be on my guard…don’t know when…
Next -> Time has Come
Tags: against the law, big man, digging my own grave, eating me alive