When he comes home, he has a telescope. We don’t have money to go home, we don’t have money for Christmas, Linus has a birthday coming and we won’t have money for that either. We don’t have money because he quit his job but he can buy a telescope. I want to know where he got the money but I don’t dare ask. I want to know WHY we need a telescope, and the answer to that one comes soon enough, when he sets it up in the front window, aimed right at the mall. He bought a telescope so he can watch me, when I go to the mall. I know that for sure when he turns and smiles at me. That ugly smile that I hate. The smile that lets me know he’s got the upper hand.
I turn bright red. I’m embarrassed, I’m angry and I’m trying to keep my composure. Not only do I have a time limit when I go to the mall, now he can watch me every step of the way. And, of course, he picks now to send me there, for his cigarettes, so he can it try out. I get ready to go; at least now I have boots, a warm jacket and gloves. I don’t have to drag the babies out in this miserable weather either, which makes me happy. I’m always worried they’ll get sick, especially now that I have to go all the way into town with them to see another doctor. It’s not the distance that I mind; it’s walking that distance, carrying two growing, sick and crying babies, in the dead of winter. If one gets sick, it’s a given the other will be within hours. We don’t have money for bus, according to him.
As I make my way to the supermarket, I feel so nervous and absolutely wretched, knowing he is watching me so closely. I suddenly remember that I have to go by the music store and the terror settles in my stomach. I think that maybe if I’d thought of it sooner, I could have come up through the parking lot. But then he would have asked my why I didn’t go my usual way. It would only open up another can of worms, so I guess it’s best to follow my regular path and pray. Pray that as I pass the music store, Michael is not there or he doesn’t see me. Dear God…don’t let him come out when I go by…
As I get closer to the music store, my heart pounds and my mouth goes dry. I see Michael and thank God he has his back to me. I want to walk faster but I know that telescope is trained on me and it would arouse suspicion. Is there anything I can do without worrying?
I get his cigarettes and I make my way back. Again I cross my fingers as I pass by the music store. And this time I want to puke as I see Michael…and he sees me…and he comes out of the store. oh God…I find my voice and, with my head down, I shout at him to please keep walking. He gets it because he goes right past me to his truck. I’m at the corner before I look up. I’m home before I can breathe easy.
When I get home, he’s quiet. I guess he’s disappointed in my performance because he has nothing to say, nothing to pin on me. Not today anyway…
Next -> The Visitor
Tags: nothing to pin on me, telescope, terror in my stomach, ugly smile