I sit on the floor and I’m in total disbelief. How can this be? How can he know? HOW CAN HE ALWAYS KNOW? The anger and rage almost suffocate me. I put everything back and kick and scream and scare the babies. When I actually hear them crying “Mommy! Mommy!” I stop and realize what I’m doing. I finish putting things away and I hold them. In no time their fears are all forgotten. In no time my anger turns to terror.
It’s so nightmarish trying to control my breathing when I’m terrified. My heart races and no matter what I do, I can’t slow it down. He comes home and nothing is different. Same routine except I’m wound up so tight. I give him his dinner and it takes everything for me not to run to put the babies to bed. When I come back and sit in silence, I can hear my heart pounding in my ears. He brought a newspaper and he chews and reads. When he’s done, he gives me the paper to read and I’m even more suspicious now. I don’t dare hold it up and let him see how I’m shaking. He goes and watches TV and says nothing. We don’t have cable so he watches the three channels we get until he’s bored.
It’s time for bed and I can’t believe he hasn’t mentioned the letter. He’s the only one who can possibly have it. He’s making you sweat. I lie in the dark and I’m still trying to control my heart and my breathing. I sleep facing him and watch him. He suddenly gets up, turns on the light and goes I don’t know where. He comes back and I can see his hand is closed around something. My first thought is a knife. I scramble away from the bed and into the wall. I pull my knees up and wait. He stands over me and opens his hand. Tiny pieces of paper fall down around me like snow. My shredded letters…
“In case of my untimely death?” he bellows. “That’s good.” “And asking Anda for help that’s even better. Especially since she doesn’t care about you Neoma. I tell you what. If you ever pull a stunt like this again, we will go home and find Anda and I will slit her throat. You can watch as she begs for her life. I will add the rest of her sorry family to the list. I will kill ALL your family, one by one and you will watch, Neoma! I promise you that! And then the babies! Their blood will be on your hands because you would not shut up and behave. I will then make sure the knife is in your hands, Neoma. By then you will have lost your mind and they will put you away forever and I will be rid of you NE-O-MA!”
I choose right then to bolt to the bathroom. There’s nothing in my stomach to throw up. How did he know? Dry heaves from me, diabolical laughter from him. He yells that I have a mess to clean up. I wash my face and I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I kneel on the mattress and stare. I can’t touch the pieces of my letter. He tears off a piece of newspaper, picks up the pieces of the letter and puts it in a bowl. He takes out his lighter and sets it all on fire.
Terror stricken, I watch as my life, my freedom, goes up in smoke and ashes…
Next -> Taste of Ashes
Tags: anger turns to terror, diabolical laughter, making you sweat, suffocate me