He finally stops pacing and smoking. It’s almost 5 a.m. I lay down as far as possible from him, to the edge of the mattress, my back to the wall. My throat stings, my stomach hurts. I’m so tired…I hear him shift and all my nerves are on high alert. The heaviness of sleep is coming for me…
I’m drifting in fitful sleep. Suddenly he moves and I’m gasping for air. There’s a pillow over my face…I’m struggling and fighting to push him off. He then pulls the pillow up and I cough and gasp for air. “How does it feel, Neoma, knowing you can die just like that…” He pushes the pillow down on my face again. I scream and gasp and my lungs burn…I’m going to die…I fight and kick and thrash. I claw and scratch. I feel myself getting dizzy. Not like this…In one huge push I’m able to turn enough to knee him in the crotch. He rolls over, hollering that I’m a stupid bitch…Ya I know…
With his hands between his legs, I pound on him. We wrestle and knock each other into the wall. You are done doing this to me…I grab the pillow and I put it over his face and throw myself on top of it. He kicks, fights and scratches. I lift the pillow, he gasps and screeches at me that I’m insane. “How does it feel, Jonathan, knowing that you can die just like that!” I’m about to put the pillow down on his face again when I hear a baby crying.
The insanity stops, the world holds still. A baby is crying. I drop the pillow and I’m gone, running to the back room. Our thrashing around and screaming has awakened Linus. She’s frightened by the “big noise” and crying. I hold her tight. “It’s ok, sweetie pie…” I soothe. I walk back and forth across the little room. I rock her and tell her I love her and it’s all a bad dream. It really is all a bad dream…a nightmare come to life that I can’t escape…I put her back in her bed and she whimpers. I lay down beside her. “Scwatch Nina back Mommy.” She sounds so pitiful. I scratch her back and feel her shiver. They love having their backs scratched by Mommy. I rub her head and she falls asleep under my soothing hand.
I return to the living room to find him asleep. I resent that he can go off to sleep just like that. But he may as well get some sleep while he can, since he has to get up to go to work, in an hour and a half. I can’t sleep. I sit on the couch and wait. Wait until he gets up and complains how tired he is because I kept him up all night with my dramas and foolishness. That he’s so tired, he wonders how he’ll be able to drive without falling asleep. I know that he’ll stay wide awake. Should he fall asleep and crash the car, he might die and then I would be free of him. That thought alone will keep him awake.
When he’s gone, I put away the bed. I take my pillow and blanket and curl up at the foot of Boo’s bed. My head is pounding. I still taste ashes. I carefully lift her little feet and place them on my eyes. I let the smell of baby powder soothe my senses and the comfort of her existense soothe my soul.
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Tags: die just like that, gasping for air, knee in the crotch, thrash and claw