I don’t change a single thing in our routine. I follow his rules like always. Even with this new found strength, I don’t rebel or do anything out of the ordinary. After I threatened him, he must have thought I would begin to throw my weight around, but I like to think I’m smarter than that. I hope anyway. By going back to being the submissive wife, it keeps him unbalanced. He spends a lot of time watching me. Maybe he’s afraid…Afraid I’ll get it together and topple his kingdom. But he can’t know for sure because I don’t give him any indications or ammunition.
I retrieve the letter from under the dresser drawer, reread it and decide I will keep it. I re-tape it securely under my underwear drawer. As I’m about to close it, I spot a black velvet box and my heart jumps. Can it be? I open it and there’s my locket. I could just cry. I’m almost angry that I was right about him giving this to her. Maybe he was going to sell it and didn’t have a chance to do so yet. I think he did give it to her and he had to get it back. I would love to have been there to see how that played out, the excuse he gave her for wanting it back. I know him well enough to know that this “embarrassment” will cause him to dump her. He got what he wanted and it’s time to move on to another. I just gave him the out he needed to do it sooner.
I carefully clean it, washing away any residue of her skin…The photo of my grandpa, which I had inside for so many years, has been removed. That’s ok…I have the locket back and I am so grateful and happy. The silence and tension between us is thick and awkward yet it is curiously calming to me. The playing field has been leveled and he’s watching himself. I don’t have to make stupid small talk and he’s keeping his distance.
Tonight when he got home, he wanted the babies to stay up a bit. He had his dinner and even gave them some. He then settles in to play guitar and those little ones dance and sing. They’re so funny. “Dance Mom!” they tug at me. And I dance long sweeping moves that make them giggle or dance holding both of them until my arms are ready to fall off. Why can’t it always be good like this? We really could make a go of this marriage if we tried, if he just stopped. Someone once told me you don’t stop until the demons stop and the demons don’t stop until you’re dead.
The babies are tired and it’s off to bed. I’m flush with joy and I don’t feel so afraid. He’s put down the mattress and made the bed which surprises me. We never mention the locket. I wash up and get into my night clothes. I turn off the light and crawl unto the mattress. I’m amazed that I have no tension in my body. After awhile I turn over on my stomach and put my arms under my pillow. A strange pain sears my left hand and I pull it out only to have the same pain again. I feel something wet and I jump up to turn on the light. There’s blood everywhere on my hands, on my pillow, the sheets.
I kick my pillow away and there underneath it… is the butcher knife…
Next -> Heal Thyself
Tags: ammunition, residue of her skin, silent threat, submissive