Linus is three years old today. When you ask her, she holds up four fingers and says “Nina fuiee!” I knew there wouldn’t be any money for presents, so I set aside several of the Christmas presents we received, to give to her today. I’ve been telling her for the past few days it’s her happy birthday. So today when she got up, I made a big deal of singing Happy Birthday very loudly. That made them laugh and giggle.
The presents were hidden in the basement and, yesterday, I had to go down there to get them, while the babies napped. It took me so long to be able to do it. I’m still traumatized from that long night and I’m still not quite right. I have a hard time getting warm. I asked him if he could get the presents for me. He told me to get them myself. When I opened the door, I got all dizzy. I was afraid I would fall down the stairs. I went down step by step, not touching those walls, trying to breathe and focus. I became afraid he would get into his head to lock me in again. At least it’s daylight now. I found the two shopping bags and raced back up the stairs, two at a time. I slammed the door and locked it. I hid the presents in the hall closet then made myself some hot tea, to help me calm down and warm me up a bit.
Today I’ve been going around in circles, trying to get up the courage to ask him for money for a birthday cake and three candles. I’ve gone over my story so many times I’m giving myself a headache. I’m so wound up, I think maybe it’s not necessary to have a cake. She may not get one anyway if he says no… She’s still little and won’t remember…but I’ll remember. Children need to celebrate their birthdays. At the very least, I need to ask…One more time I take a deep breath…
I tell him it would be nice if he got Linus a birthday cake. It doesn’t need to be big. Some cupcakes would be good. They have them at the bakery and the’re not expensive…I’m swallowing so hard from nerves. He hands me three dollars and tells me to make due with that. I go to the bakery and Lenny is working. Shamefaced, I tell him how much money I have and I ask how many cupcakes I can get. He looks at me with the saddest eyes and I blush. I know I’m being watched so I don’t talk too much. Lenny comes back with the cutest little cake with a bear on it. He says it’s three dollars. I know it’s more. He gives me three candles as well. I’m so grateful and tell him so. I leave before I start to cry…
I tell Jonathan it’s a “day old” and he doesn’t question me. He wants to go to a party next door tomorrow night, so he’s being somewhat human to me. I set out the cake and candles and presents on their little table. When they wake from their nap, it’s another round of Happy Birthday and squealing over presents. She even shares these new toys with Boo, who keeps singing “budday, budday Nina,” with a mouthful of cake. That cake is yummy for our tummies.
That night when I put her to bed, she hugs me and says “Nina fuiee, Mom!” “Yes you are monkey…” Already, she’s three
Next -> Snow Baby
Tags: fall down the stairs, happy birthday, traumatized, wound up