I don’t change a single thing in our routine. I follow his rules like always. Even with this new found strength, I don’t rebel or do anything out of the ordinary. After I threatened him, he must have thought I would begin to throw my weight around, but I like to think I’m smarter [...]
He comes home at the same time but it feels like I’ve been waiting for hours. I serve him his dinner and like usual I sit and he eats. When he has taken maybe three bites, I break my silence and ask “What did you do with my keepsakes?” The flicker of recognition in [...]
I watch my babies play in the sunlight from the window and I’m grateful they’re so little and cannot absorb what’s happening around them. The worst thing in their world is wanting the same toy at the same time. The most upsetting thing in their world is when Mom is gone from their sight for [...]
Every time I see that butcher knife, my mouth goes dry. I put it at the back of the drawer because it makes me feel better. If he’s noticed, he hasn’t said so. Everything is heightened - the fear, the despair. I have to be even more aware of every thing around me. I’m constantly [...]
I’m startled by the sound of footsteps on the gravel…I’m confused and then realize the babies are napping and I fell asleep on the couch. I hold my breath and listen carefully. I don’t hear anything, so I exhale. Then the sound of someone quietly trying to unlock my back door sends me bolting [...]
How can I recall this with such detail…feel what I felt that day so long ago…
I can still see him standing there, disheveled and smirking out of shear terror, holding out his hands and pulling them back just as she brought the strap down, the unexpected follow through, catching her in what we imagined might [...]
On quiet days, I sit by the window and watch the world and wonder why my own world is so messed up. What did I do to deserve this? How could I have fallen so far down? I hear that guy dumping bread in the dumpster and I think how lovely it would be [...]
I live by insane rules. I’m very aware of my surroundings. I know the sounds intimately. It’s the only way I can survive. I always wake at least a half hour before he does. This gives my body time to tighten with anxiety. I listen to the sounds that tell me he’s up. I [...]
On the train, people stare and whisper. I can’t look at anyone. I don’t talk either, except to the babies. If I talk to anyone, I will start to scream. When Linus first sees me, she eyes me suspiciously. She knows there’s something different but she’s too small to understand. Eventually she rubs her [...]