I lower the suitcase from the back steps and set it next to the stroller. The babies are going potty before we leave and they’re chattering about going for a long walk. I go around the house again to make sure all is perfect. I get the babies into their jackets and they start shouting they’re going for a WALK!! I sush them, telling them it’s very important for us to be quiet. We don’t want to wake Jenkins upstairs or he’ll be very mad. Mad they understand. Their solemn little faces make me feel terrible having to tell them that. But I have to…their shouts of joy will attract that old bastard to his windows, and that cannot happen…not today...silence is crucial to our survival…
We step out into the glorious morning sunlight. I close the door without looking back. I never want to see this place again. I set the stroller on the path and take Linus down first, setting her, Dolly Baby and the Peno at the back. I sit Boo in front with Popo the bear and her little blanket. I tell them, they’re so good, I will buy them a special treat. I check to make sure I have everything…I’m scared to death…I pick up the suitcase with one hand and with the other I push the stroller and take my first steps towards freedom.
I look at the windows covered with blankets and bed sheets and shame rises in my throat….never again…Instead of heading straight for the sidewalk, I cut across the lawn staying close to the house, thinking there’s less chance that old bastard will see us. I pass the front window with those heavy curtains that, for so long now, hid my misery from the world….never again… pass the other part of the house where I once saw him caressing and dancing with our teenage neighbor…never again…don’t cry either because that’s in the past and right now you are walking towards your future….just go…walk Neoma, walk…
I make it to the sidewalk just as the light turns red and I start to shake. Please change…please change…I want to turn and see if anyone is watching me but I’m too afraid. I feel the perspiration running between my breast and down my back. Oh please God make the light change…and it does and it takes everything for me not to run across that road. On the other side, there’s a park and further down a retaining wall and my goal is to get to that wall. Once I’ve passed it, we will be invisible to that old bastard. In the meantime, I pray and beg God to please make Jenkins be too busy drinking his morning wine to be looking out the window.
It seems so far away but I don’t dare go faster. Walk Neoma, walk…The suitcase is heavy, the babies are so quiet and I just watch that wall. The world passes me by, the cars and buses. I was going to take the bus but I need to move. I can’t hold still, not now. I’ve held still for too long…
I reach the wall and think I’m going to puke. My heart is pounding and tears run down my face from shear terror and stress. But I realize I made it and I make my rubber legs walk faster. Walk Neoma, walk… The world still rushes by….and the girl with the stroller and suitcase begins to run for her life…run Neoma, RUN…..
Next -> The Way it Should Be
Tags: Dolly Baby, God, rubber, suitcase, sweat between my breasts