How did he know? Who told him? How does he always know? That old bastard upstairs must have seen me…maybe it was Sandy, next door…what does it matter to her if I leave? She could have him all to herself…no…it must be the old bastard…maybe he saw me himself, driving past me during his deliveries…I wasn’t careful enough…I should have taken the back streets…
My insides are shaking so bad. The babies have succumbed to the rumble of the train and they’re sleeping on the seat beside me. They look like two little spoons, with their heads on my lap, each clutching Kitty cat and Kitty cat close to them. It took so long to get them to calm down. They’re lost in the sleep of exhaustion and fear. The shock of seeing him was too much for us.
I look across and he’s asleep in his seat, with his ankles wrapped around mine…in case I get it into my head to escape while he sleeps. I thought of taking the babies to the bathroom, just before the next stop and getting out wherever. I don’t need my old suitcase. What little I have can be replaced. All I want is to take my babies and disappear into the night, forever. With my stomach in my throat, I tried it. My heart almost failed when he grabbed my arm and twisted it whispering ” Don’t even think of it.” To make sure, he made me leave Boo with him. Miserable and wanting to scream, I took one, then the other baby, to pee. I sat back down in my seat with the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Maybe I should have bought a ticket out West? I’m sure he didn’t have enough money for that ticket. Why didn’t I do that? Why wasn’t I more careful? How did he know…what will happen to us? My head hurts trying to find answers. I mean, we are going to go back to that hell hole again aren’t we? He said we will have a nice visit with our folks and then we will go “home” and be a nice, happy, shiny family…
My insides feel like they’re on fire. I keep trying to get the conductor’s attention. I think that if I stare at him long enough, he will figure all this out. I want to scream out loud that this man his hurting me and have the conductor throw him off the train. But they would probably take me away to the loony bin instead…At one point, the conductor sees there’s something wrong by the way I look at him and he comes over and actually asks me if I’m okay…if there’s anything wrong…Jonathan just looks at him and says “not a thing, she’s just fine, just the nervous sort when she’s traveling.” The conductor kept looking at me. “Help me!” my eyes plead. But he turns and I don’t see him again until we arrive at our destination.
My legs cramp and I try to untangle them from his. He tightens his grip. My anger is so great. I finally yank them out and kick him. The look on his face lets me know that somewhere, somehow, I will pay dearly for this.
I cover my babies with my jacket and lay my head back. I feel my days are numbered…God why are you letting this happen? GOD! WHERE ARE YOU!!!
My heart is hardening…I think of all that has happened and I come to the conclusion that there is no God…after all this, there can’t be…
Tags: conductor, head hurts, kitty cat, legs cramp