The late afternoon sun makes the land look gold as familiar hills and trees and farms come into view. I’d forgotten this. We’re almost home… I wake the babies and we make two more pilgrimages to the bathroom. “Gotta pee before we see Nanny and Pepere” I say trying to sound cheery. It all gets put into perspective by Linus who brushes sleep from her eyes and says “Dad too.” Yes Dad too and I’d promised them he would not come with us. How do you explain that to them? You don’t…
On two separate trips, because he still insists on holding one of the babies hostage, hands and faces get washed, we brush out hair and reset our barrettes just right. Even the offer of cookies doesn’t make either of them feel better. When I return with Boo, Linus is scrunched into the corner of the seat, as far as she can get from her father. Tears sting my eyes and I feel worse when she gets up and hurls herself at me, almost knocking me over. I sit down and they cling to me for all they are worth, again. He just sits there and stares at me with such hatred, I feel sick. It makes me shift in my seat to avoid holes being burned into me. “You better just act normal,” he’d said to me. He’d reinforced the point by twisting my wrist. “Normal” he’d said. I almost laughed…can’t show any signs of terror or else…
The scenery outside my window is familiar. It has not changed while I was gone. While I was trying to figure out how to stay alive, the world continued and things here stayed the same. The horses are still grazing quietly over at Harthaven farms. The barn still needs paint. Further down the tracks, an old shack still stands, defying time and gravity, its one window staring at the world like a weary eye, daring the elements to knock it over.
The sky is still so blue…I used to lay in the cool grass in the backyard or on the banks of the river and think that my little home town had the bluest sky ever. Laying there, chewing on a piece of tall grass, I thought how Anda and I would marry fine husbands, have houses next door to each other, lots of babies to share and life would be so good. The world was so perfect and nothing could ever go wrong. But somewhere, somehow it did go wrong…and the sky is still so blue…
As the train slows down my anxiety rises. I can see the train station in the distance. The last time I saw this place was the day I married Jonathan. I was a scared seventeen year old boarding a train with a husband I thought loved me. I remember the throng of friends and relatives standing there, long sad faces, hollow eyed, crying and waving goodbye. They wanted better for me. They could not protect me now that I was leaving their lives. I was on my own…
As I arrive, I’m amazed at how I thought we really would be safe here. You’re on your own again… No one knows we’re here… Will they ever know we’re here? Will I even make it to my parents house?
Tags: barns, blue skies, horses, trains